Saturday, August 23

Babe-O-Lympics

The Opening Ceremonies for these particular events were held in a much smaller venue- a hospital in Utah- and weren't televised. The two-part series was, however, videotaped over a hiatus of nineteen months. There were no digitally enhanced fireworks, but a few photos did go through a Photoshop blemish/frizzy-post-partum-hair treatment.

The most popular event at our house is "Wipe-Out." Game objective: see how many baby wipes you can pull out before Mom notices. Factor in proximity to mom during wipe pulling. After rigorous weekly training, the winner of the gold was actually leaning against Mom as she snatched enough wipes to build a pile as tall as herself.

Another well-known event is "Diaper-Distraction." Game description: A team event requiring at least two players. One must have a poopy diaper. Game objective: Player with poopy diaper (Player 1) must try to get poop on their hands by using one of three methods: reach between legs and grab front, reach around legs and grab bum, reach diaper and grab poop. Player 2's goal is to help Player 1 complete their mission by using blocking and distracting tactics. The most talented teammates will crawl onto and sit on Mom's lap during the diaper change while simultaneously grabbing the poopy diaper. Another popular tactic for Player 2 is to play "Wipe-Out" during "Diaper-Distraction."

"Divide and Conquer," although dangerous, is an event loved by generations. Game description: Team event in which members try to be born as close to their team-mates as possible for ultimate effectiveness. Game objective: Get as far from each other as possible as fast as possible. Wide open areas are the preferred arena, such as the library, park, doctor's office, and freeway.

"Collision" is the most rugged of events- not for the faint of heart. Game description: the same as "Divide and Conquer." Game objective: Acquire whatever object anyone else is interested in. Although the most effective method is using actual object to whap opponent; pushing, hair pulling, screaming, crying, and whining are also popular methods of choice.

Finally, the crowning event at the 2008 Games: "Misplacement" although a misnomer, which origins are thought to have been derived from 18th century Olympians who didn't know the phrase "pig-sty," is a game closest in description to the passing of the Olympic flame. In the same spirit of eternal flame, "Misplacement" is the goal of Baby Olympians to preserve the eternal mess.

Closing ceremonies will hopefully not be televised, because unlike the grown-up Olympics, televised retiring Babe-O-Lympians are usually talking about their experiences on Maury Povich or a couch next to a psychiatrist.

14 comments:

Melissa said...

Ha, ha, ha...can't stop laughing. So funny!

Kelly Durham said...

I LOVE this post because it is not only entertaining but informative. I didn't even realize my kids were competing in the Babe-O-lympics--I just thought they were being super difficult. I swear to you, we had competitors in EACH of the events you described this week! I guess I should just be proud I have such fine Olympians and come out from hiding under my bed, right?

You are hilarious.

Breezi said...

I can't stop laughing! You are my hero...
maybe someday YOU'LL be famous too...just like me

The Garber Family said...

WHERE in the world did you get this idea?! You are a blogging genius. Gold medal winner of the blogympics.

Mother Goose said...

hahaha! Love it, so glad we are out of the babe-olympics but I believe we have moved on to the teen-olympics which is a whole other beast in itself! Two year olds and teens, basically the same except the teens are a bit more stable on their feet.

Hot Air said...

Haha, thanks you guys.

Ki- In case you were seriously asking where I got the idea, I had been thinking about holding an actual diaper-changing race with Zach, and that got me thinking about how hard it is to change their diapers. I was going to mention how the twins are constantly emptying the wipe box right under my nose, but just in one of those lists. Anyway, the Olympics just put my mind on this track. What's funny, is all day long, I've been thinking of more events to add. Like, Anya's climbing on the couch, bouncing on it and then "dismounting," and Bree's speed crawling.... ;)

Hot Air said...

Binki flinging...

NatRat said...

YOu are so clever...seriously where do you come up with these things. Hilarious!

Blog Stalker said...

I definitely have seen some above average atheletes in some of those areas. Very funny post!

Cheryl Lage said...

Oh Dear Heaven...PRICELESS!

Could we add a multiple mom event too...like speed double/triple stroller luge?

LOVE LOVE LOVE this! (And it explains why mine were in the stroller so very long...containment was my mantra!)

Tulsi said...

This real life event is seriously funny in the way it is written. I have friends who have their children close together. Usually with twins somewhere. I don't actually have actual experience since daughter 1 and son 1 are 3 years apart and son 1 and daughter 2 are 4 years apart. Daughter 2 wants 3 sets of twins. I guess she is trying for the Gold. With humor, you will ace it all.

Magirk said...

Hahahahaha!!! Oh man, I totally get this! :-D

Totally.

Sahara said...

hee hee you are hilarious.

Tulsi said...

I have to say a serious "Thanks" for saying you were wondering who was the mom!!!!!!