Unfit

All because I left the snacks.

Winter. I knew, before we even decided to get pregnant the second time, that last winter was going to be crappy. It seems by adding an unexpected kid we also added another unexpected crappy winter. We're getting desperate. Last week we went to the park when the temp spiked to a balmy 60 degrees, and didn't leave until we couldn't feel our fingers. All weekend we looked forward to the library today. Thank heaven for the library. We got there in plenty of time for me to pick up my reserved books, let Mia play on the computer, and get good seats for the free circus show at 11. In my rush to get there in plenty of time, I left the snacks at home. The snacks! Why did we take them out of the diaper bag in the first place? I would have been better off leaving the diapers!

10:30, the girls start getting cranky. The library vending machine has water bottles. Hmm. If we don't get something to eat, they're not going to make it. Shredded Wheat only lasts three hours, and they ate at 8:00. Another glance at the clock, coats back on, and I pack them back in the stroller. Back to the car, buckle all three in, fold stroller, stick in trunk. Race to McDonald's. Hand them hamburgers to eat as we drive back. I can't believe Mia caught that cheeseburger- awesome.

10:55, Stroller out, one, two, three kids unbuckled, packed back into the stroller. Race back to the library. A man in a top hat and a lady in a clown outfit are standing behind two keyboards, a huge mixer, two amps and million wires. Whew- they haven't started yet! Unbuckle, coats off, while Mr. TopHat tells us some facts about the origin of the circus. Mia goes and finds a seat on the floor (which precise location is only known to me because a friend happened to see her and point her out. Thanks, Breezi- you got my back. ;D) The room is packed, there's nowhere to sit. I figure either the twins will want to sit by Mia and see what's going on, or I can squeeze in that spot of floor I see and pull them onto my lap.

Then TopHat whips out the bagpipes we heard him practicing earlier.

I realized today that if you put their names together, the twins make "Anree." And that's exactly what they were the second those pipes started. Both wanted to be picked up- lap was no good. Yes- I realize you each want your very own Mom. You have no idea how I wish I could clone myself. Or get rid of one of you-we-won't-go-there.

I spot a chair at the back of the room. A little girl is climbing in and out of it onto her Mom's lap. Hmm- and a kind of a path between the sitting people. If for some reason she says no, there's floor room- maybe the twins won't scream once they can see what's going on. There's a lady in a chair right in front of me trying to catch a photo of her kid at the back of the room. I tell her my plan to ask the mom of the kid at the back of the room if I can use the chair. "Is your kid back there? Do you think maybe you'd want that chair instead?" She looks at my whimpering twin still on the ground reaching to be held, "Oh, I can't walk back there, I have a bad back." Haha! Funny. Okay- what did I expect.

I think Anya weighs 35, Bree was 28 at our last appointment months ago. I can't get them all the way to my hips from the floor unless I have a little maneuvering room. Lady in the chair isn't budging. There's no good place to start. Hmm. I can pack the twins back up, which will cause a lot of noise, retrieve Mia, which will cause even more noise, tick everyone off and leave with three screaming orneries, or I can try for that chair.

I couldn't get the twins up high enough. As I picked my way through the "path" I grazed a lady's head with one of the baby boots, and made a very noticeable trek to the back of the room. The mom plopped the kid onto her lap, and we collapsed in the chair. When I thanked her again, she said she was glad- her daughter had refused to give up her seat to another lady earlier. Great, that lady is probably ticked at me, too.

Mia participated and had fun. Bree escaped twice to vigorously rock a sleeping baby in it's car seat, (there's no way that mom wasn't ticked,) but other than that she clapped and laughed and had a good time.

Anya whined. Ten minutes left, and she wanted to be held, but it was only okay if I was standing. Okay, except here's the thing, baby. I have a bad back, too! If you want me to be able to walk out of here, I'm gonna need to sit down now. It's just the way it is. No- she needs me standing, sorry.

Mia heard she was going to get a present at the end, so pulling her out ten minutes early would not only be kind of mean, it would probably tick everybody off when she started screaming bloody murder.

Pack up the twins. They whine unless we're moving. Strolling the babies around in the foyer waiting for the end. Why do I leave the house? We are unfit for public. We make ourselves and everyone around us anree.

Mia pipes up in the car on the way home. "Mom- that was a fun circus! I loved that circus! I got a necklace! I got a chocolate! There was a clown there!"

Fine. That's why I do it. The price is just always so high- even when its free! But it could be worse.

I don't care what all the country songs say. I'm not going to miss this. Not this winter, anyway. Bring on spring, baby, bring it on.

Second Guessing

Before we even decided to have our "second" child, I thought, almost constantly, about the space between ages, and the pros and cons of 2, 3, or 4 years difference from Mia to her sibling.

We were in kind of a unique situation. We knew, right down to the month, when we would be moving out of state, more than a year in advance. And we knew, more or less, that the time and responsibility constrictions with Zach's future schooling would necessitate some creative "family planning."

Basically, we had two choices. A) Have the next kid before we moved- causing them to be extremely close in age, but compensating for the difficulties that would cause by being in the same state as both our families for the first three (and most difficult) months of infancy. B) Wait until Mia was old enough to take care of herself a little better, and hope that would compensate for the fact that there would be no family around, and that Zach would be up to his neck in med school.

Looking back- I can't believe what a difference choosing Plan A meant. There was no way I could have accurately weighed the incredible "pros" we were blessed with, (mostly because we had no idea baby #2 would come with baby #3.)

After realizing I couldn't keep our house clean enough to sell, live in it, have a bad back, and be eight months pregnant with twins all at the same time, I was worried we'd have to move in with my parents longer than the few weeks between selling our place and moving to Ohio. The story behind finding our apartment is kind of long, but it seems so cool to me.

Journal: February 8, 2007

Monday I saw an important ad in the online classifieds. I’ve been checking the baby section every day looking for good deals. Someone put an ad in for an apartment lease. I read it for no reason, other than it was funny that someone put it in "baby items" and it hadn’t been reported and moved yet. 4 bedroom, everything you could ask for in an apartment, plus free internet, a pool and gym, granite countertops and tile floors: $610 a month. When I realized what an incredible deal it was I started thinking how nice it would be to move there instead of my parents’ house. The amazing thing about it- the lease ends in July- the very month we'd need it to end. And you can’t renew the contract. (I found out later it is because the complex is really student housing, and when it was first built, they opened it temporarily to families at that great rate. The catch was- they got kicked out after two years. So this family found a house and it closed really fast. They have to move at the end of this month.) Just for the fun of it, I calculated the difference we would pay, once we got rid of our internet. $100 a month. Hmm. Just for a little more fun, I called the gal who placed the ad. She said all the offers she got wanted to renew the lease past July- which they couldn’t do. I called Zach, who surprised me by sounding optimistic. I called my mom, who also surprised me by NOT saying she would be a tad miffed if we didn’t come live there, and that it was up to us. I looked for the ad an hour later, and it had been moved. We went and looked at the apartment that night, applied for it the next day, and today, Thursday, we signed the lease! Crazy!

A little more than a month before D-day, we had moved into a student ward, with the most well-organized and willing compassionate service set up that I have ever seen.

Some of the forseen cons were actually pros in disguise. I think I would be either be working with two kids in daycare right now, or feeling like a big fat slacker for staying home. But having twins kind of nixed that problem.

Still. Every so often, something comes up that still makes me wonder if we made the right decision. (And I've gotta say- it was more my decision than Zach's. He needed some convincing- so I'm super scrutinizing of this particular life-choice.)

After adding and subtracting all the good and bad about this decision, I think the twins are paying the biggest price. Little conflicts have been escalating between those two- and got way worse when I experimented with having all three girls nap at once. Mia was used to at least a few hours of alone time, but the twins have never really experienced it. Having Mia around during their every waking minute made for some cranky babies, and alerted me to an underlying problem. They share absolutely EVERYTHING.

And are increasingly unhappy about it. The big wake-up call came Monday: Bree bit Anya.






I think the next-highest payer is Mia. I caught her eating her cereal in an odd spot this morning.
"What are you doing back there, Mim?"
"I don't want the babies to get my cereal."

Sigh.

But we'll keep plugging away. Because, whether or not having them so close together was the right decision- it was the decision we have to live with.

Something tells me we'll be okay.

Thinking back

I found some blogs of mom's with twins who are playing a "way back when-sday" game. Bree just graduated a size, and Anya doesn't fit in one of the high chairs anymore. I can't help looking at Mia's stringy little grown-up toddler body and wanting to grab their little baby-fat rolls and hang on for dear life. I just took this picture yesterday, didn't I? Sigh.

Twin Daze

We decided to celebrate the specialness of twinhood by driving to Twinsburg for the Twin Days Festival, where everyone else is also celebrating their special twinness.

After driving two and a half hours (two of which were supposed to be nap time, but ended up being story/movie/binki-retrieval time,) we drove past the sign that said "Twin Days- Welcome Twins!" And then, to make it official, Zach chimed in: "I see twiiins." And he was right. There were twins.

They were all dressed exactly alike- many in costume. Many in very skimpy costumes. I immediately felt bad for not having bought matching jeans for our girls. They seemed to be the only slackers that had come in matching shirts only. And to add insult to injury- Anya was the only one with socks on.

We gave $3.00 to some very tan girls named Lindsey and Nicole, who were wearing shorts they couldn't bend in. Zach noted they had nothing but walkie talkies to lend any credibility to their "we own the rights to this highschool parking lot" demeanor. Hmm- maybe next year we'll show up a little earlier with some walkie talkies and skimpy clothes... seems like good money. They waved us past lot after lot until we parked about a half mile away from the shuttle which would then take us to the actual fair. This thing was a bigger deal than I thought. We were pretty excited.

The first thing we did was go to the contest booth. I figured it would be the easiest way to get a photo with a bunch of twins in it. I thought the "1 to 3 year-old least alike females" would be a good one, and we happened to show up just before they went on stage, so we got in line. Zach snapped a few pics and we were ready to go- except we had to wait to be judged. Looking around at the twins who were practically opposites, I knew we didn't stand a chance, even though when you see our girls you wonder if Anya ate the triplet. While we waited the gal next to me asked us to take some pics of her and her girls. I told her I'd e-mail them to her. I put the card with her e-address on it in my back pocket. It isn't there anymore. Sorry lady.
If anyone knows this family...



Then we walked past all the booths selling matching everything and found a nifty little park. Which we didn't go to, because Mia wanted to go on the swings on the other side. The babies were really exhausted mellow by then, and were content to watch the fair from afar.



I thought we'd try Mia out on one of the rides we passed coming in, (we have tickets to the Ohio State Fair next week- I wanted to see how she'd do.) So we headed back toward the fair entrance. Mia was excited to go on the spinning ride. She waited in line with the twin kids, completely unaware of her inadequate presence as a singleton. Oh the shame. But it seemed to hit her just as the ride started to spin. She bawled her eyes out.

Maybe she saw all the other kids next to their doubles and realized what an outcast she was. Maybe she thought she was seeing double. At any rate- the ride controller had to stop the ride to let her get out, so the people who deserved to be on it could actually have a good time. Good for you, Mia. You know your place.


So in the end- we drove five hours so Mia could go on some swings. This is definitely going to be a family tradition. For two more years.

Two heads used to be better

Zach took his last test yesterday morning. Since he had to start work today, we thought we'd take advantage of the rest of his day off by getting our backed up laundry done and going to COSI with the kids.

I swear, we always forget something when we both get things ready to leave, which is when we spontaneously decide to do something with the kids. We don't do a thorough check off in our heads, because there's such a whirlwind of activity. One-parent prep is more methodical. So this time we remembered sippy cups, sandwiches, bananas, hair clippies, socks, shoes, COSI pass, stroller. We were going to put all the food in the diaper bag, but I got out a grocery bag and stuffed it in. So guess what we left hidden between the toybox and the elliptical.

Neither of us had changed Bree, who was getting kinda squishy, (does this mean we changed Anya twice?) so Zach bought two single diapers from the gift shop on our way in: $3 freakin' dollars. And guess who ended up using the other one? While I was changing Bree I asked Mia if she needed to go, thinking the fact she was running her hands under the water in the kiddie sink would elicit an honest answer. "No, mommy." Huh. Ten minutes later, we're playing in the H2O area, and Mia walks up to me cowgirl-style. Potty-trained shmotty-trained.

But you know what? We had fun. I can't really go into it, but I have recently come to experience joy like never before in my life. It caught me by surprise the other day when I realized I wasn't just laughing with the babies so they would feel happy. I felt happy. And I noticed it. I don't know if it's just because I'm finally over the much advised-about "first twin year," or the effects of some life-altering realizations and changes. But I'm thinking the latter, because I've never felt like this before. Despite (and maybe due to?) some of the most challenging obstacles I've ever faced, I really like myself and my life for the first time- ever.

Whad'y'do?

My babies are getting so big! Anya stood up on her own today. Two seconds, but still- it was thrilling for both of us.



Lately all three girls are doing this thing where, one of them will start crawling toward me, so they all think they have to compete for my attention right at that moment, or they might fall off the world. It's great. After suffering through an awkward childhood, I finally realize why I was born with six arms. I'm perfectly suited to this task, don'tcha know.

2 are 1

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

April Fools

For the first time in over a month, we got a "babysitter" (Van Wagoner dictionary: impose on one of the very few people we trust with our kids, Maury Bevan) and took the twins to their nine-month check-up. Yes, they are 11 months, thanks for noticing. We finally got around to calling the pediatrician during office hours a month late, and the earliest they could get us in was a month later.

So, we get everyone all ready and out the door. This takes an hour and a half. But we are pleased with the results; the babies look cute in their coordinated, but not exactly matching outfits, Mia is full of all her breakfast, clean faces, bums, and hands, diaper bags packed, only two aggravated miscommunications between Mom and Dad, and we're out the door on time.

We sit in the waiting room for about twenty-five minutes, the twins beaming at all the congratulatory passers-by, and spend a couple of minutes packing everything back into the stroller when we get called back into the office. We get Anya half undressed by the time the nurses bring up the fact that we are supposed to bring them in less than a month for their 12-month check-up. Oh, and no- we aren't late on our immunizations- they don't have shots at nine months.

They kind of look at us with pained expressions, waiting for us to be frustrated at having come all the way out with our two bundles of joy. We just kind of felt stupid out loud. So they paid for our parking, and we went to breakfast. Hey, date night- can't complain!

Oh- and tonight Zach called his mom and told her we were pregnant again. "Nooooooooo!" He let her in on the joke before it got too bad, though.

Hoover and Dyson

Some cool things about feeding twins:

You aren't sitting close enough to get the bowl knocked out of your hand- less waste.

They watch each other take bites and it seems to make them more willing to open up for the next.

If one is refuses to eat a bite, you just move on instead of getting impatient.

Most of the time you finish in the same time it would have taken to feed one- that's a great feeling.

New and Improved: Hands-free Offspring

This morning all the girls fed themselves! Mia ate a bowl of Mini Wheats, and the girls held their bottles for the whole feeding! I just supervised a little. And last night I slept from 11 to 6:30, when Zach woke up, and then slept til 7:45 when Mia and Bree woke up. Pretty cool!

In a different state

We got to Ohio on the 1st. I just re-read some of my past blogs, and I realized what an eventful year we've had so far. And that's about all I can say right now. Mia's really lonely. The rest of the crap I'm dealing with right now isn't even bloggable.

Ready or not, here we go

Our van, filled with two babies and a toddler, broke down on the freeway on the way home today. The transmission went nuts and the engine started overheating. We had to get off in American Fork and take refuge from the 102 degree heat in an Office Max. We were the only "customers" in the store, and they kept asking us if we were finding everything okay. I quit explaining we were actually just loitering after the second salesperson, and we kind of hid out in the office section on the comfy chairs. I bought a Dasani so we wouldn't be complete freeloaders.
So here's my concern: our plan of rescue. I called my mom and asked her to trade her car with my dad's van (luckily, he was just pulling up to the house) and come load it with all three car seats and all the boxes of crap we were transporting from their house (which we had just left) to our apartment. When she arrived, Zach would see if he could get the van back to his dad's auto shop in Sandy for a free diagnostic, at which point he would get a ride home from his mom. We utilized four parents to get out of that pickle- the exact number of parents that we don't have living in Ohio. Where we plan to move in exactly 25 days. 1,735 miles away.
So what? you say. You would have just called a tow truck, a mechanic, and a taxi. But a mechanic, and tow truck or taxi driver wouldn't have hunkered down on the floor of Office Max and helped me wrangle Mia and change her poopy diaper, simultaneously keeping hungry Bree's binki in her mouth, while Zach transferred our crap from the broken van to the good one. And the tow truck and taxi driver wouldn't have stayed with me when I got home to help feed all three kids (an hour late) and put them to bed while Zach took the car to the shop.
Without all four parents, today would have been messy. Not to mention the fact that we'd be hundreds of dollars in the hole.
Independence Day is going to be a month later for us this year. August 1st. I have a feeling August isn't going to be nearly as... convenient... as was July.

Blessing Day

Good times

They just grew out of their preemie outfits this week! Bree’s legs are getting so plump! Anya is getting long and heavy. They are completely different girls. Just like Mark and Eric- two totally different kids that just happened to be born at the same time. Bree looks a lot like Mia. Anya looks like Kiley! When they are about 4 and 5, people are going to have a hard time figuring out which ones are twins. They are so cute. Especially when they are wide awake and looking around. Bree has kissable cheeks, and Anya has kissable lips, and Mia is just learning how to do Eskimo and butterfly kisses so between the three of them, my kisses are pretty busy!

Yesterday, Zach had rag that Mia wanted, and she said “I need dat!” in a loud, commanding toddler voice. We just looked at each other with our mouths open and started laughing. I guess that must be something we say a lot! She said it a few times until he gave it to her. Today I took her to the store with me and she asked me to pick her up on the way down the stairs, “Pit you up?” with her arms raised. And then, in the store, she kept pointing to the floor, repeating “Wat? Wat?” She wanted to walk. Oh- she’s irresistible.

Too pooped to... what was I saying?

They are a week and a half old! But more importantly, I've lost 30 pounds! ha ha.

Mia has been pretty emotional. This morning she started bawling when she came and saw me sleeping. She actually wanted to snuggle. The day after we brought Anya and Bree home, she cried when Coralee left, and for the first time in months I was physically able to squat down to her level and hug her as long as she wanted. She calmed down immediately and just let me hold her for a few moments. The whole time I was thinking; “How long has she needed this?” and it brought me to tears. Other than that, I haven't cried since we got home last Wednesday. Amazing, really. I was a huge wreck last time.

I am starting to get really wiped out, however, from waking up every two and a half hours. They are too tired to breastfeed, so I’ve been pumping. Somehow, between getting bottles ready, trying to get enough food down them, changing diapers (Anya has been two per feeding quite often) and pumping, I can only get an hour of sleep per stretch. It is exhausting. I have tried napping during the day, but I can’t get to sleep fast enough, so I always end up just lying there for an hour. I wonder when it is safe to go to a three hour schedule at night.

A little too little

Thank goodness for modern medicine. These are lights used to help the babies deal with the extra bilirubin their bodies can't get rid of on their own. "Jaundice."

For mature readers only

The girls were born on Monday, the 23rd. Hallelujah! Zach, Mia and I all went to my appointment at 3:00. On the way out the door we wondered if we should bring the suitcase with all my stuff. But we were running late, so I said to leave it, and that he’d be coming back anyway to put Mia down.
Dr. Langer said I was dilated to a 5+. So we talked about inducing me Friday- Zach’s graduation day. I figured we wouldn’t make it to Friday, but we said sure. After the appointment we decided to go wait at my mom’s for a while just to make sure the contractions I was having were like all the others I’d had all week- fake. But as we got further away from the hospital and they didn’t go away, I grew more and more apprehensive about the distance between me and the O.R. We made it to my mom’s, and I lay down for a minute to see what would happen. I kept getting small contractions every couple of minutes. So we left Mia with my mom and "went on a drive" toward the hospital, just in case. When we got there, I sat in the foyer while Zach parked the car- feeling nothing but pressure with each contraction and wondering if we should go up to labor and delivery. When Zach came in, I said “you know they’re not going to let me go if I go up there. Dr. Langer will just start me.” We went up anyway.
It was definitely different this time- walking in on my own smiling, instead of being wheeled in carrying a Ziploc full of vomit I deposited during the elevator ride. Dr. Langer was there in no time and announced I was dilated to a 6+. (All these pluses- I think she just says that so her patients feel like they are almost to the next number. Mentally, it would help things progress, I guess!) Once we knew we were staying for sure, we asked my Dad to bring over a video camera.
A nurse asked me if I was planning on any pain meds and I kind of laughed and said no. I was still scared to death of the epidural needle and all of the crappy birth stories involving epidurals not working right. Dr. Langer just looked at me surprised, and convincingly explained why I needed one, apologizing that she hadn't gone over it before. Hmm. My mind did what it usually does for me in situations I can’t handle. Went into robot mode, and refused to think about it. “Guess I’m getting an epidural, then,” I read the script in my brain, not meaning a word of it.
A nurse mentioned that the only way I’d get out of the epidural would be if I was ready to push before Max, the anesthesiologist, got there. So I just sat there willing each contraction to get me to the pushing stage. No luck- Max got there first. I told him I didn’t want to know anything he was doing, and that I only wanted to know what I was about to feel. He did just that, and when it was over I lay down relieved that I wasn't crippled, and felt my legs slowly go numb.
Dr. Langer broke my water. They said that my contractions started getting huge, and I believed them, because I could feel the cramping. Max had left to go help another patient, so for the time being, I was lying there unable to move because of an epidural I hadn’t wanted, and still feeling pain. It wasn’t terrible, though. I just commented that it was kind of lame. Soon, Max came back and upped the dose a tad. After that, they wheeled me into the OR, just to be prepared. Getting from one bed to the other was kind of cumbersome- for the nurses. Ha. I could barely move my lower half.
Dr. Langer decided the next contraction would signal pushing time. I think we went through two contractions, and I heard them say they could see Anya’s head. Dr. Langer commented on how perfectly round it was, and I was glad. I thought for sure she’d have a squished head after sitting so low in me for so long. I waited as they suctioned her, and with the next push felt like someone had just stood up after sitting on my abdomen. The painful pressure up against my ribs finally went away, and I said “I can't believe there's another baby in there!” 10:20. They showed me my little Anya, and wiped her off on my chest. She wasn’t crying, which kind of worried me, but no one else was panicking, so I didn’t. Then she let out a little cry, so I was relieved. So small! SO small.
A few minutes later it was back to business. I found out just after the fact that they put an internal monitor and a vacuum on Bree. I was kind of peeved they didn’t even ask about either thing. She came at 10:30. Total push time was about 15 minutes- crazy. They wiped her down on my chest and I finally got a good look at her. She was even smaller! I just couldn’t believe babies were born any smaller than this. Sweet little things!!

Still pregnant

Oh- I’m so ready to get these kids out of me! I wasn’t nearly this uncomfortable with Mia. Probably cause I was walking around. I’m getting to the point where I catch myself planning the future as if I will always be pregnant. Not good- considering they will be here any day now! I think I’m in for a big shock, because I just can’t picture me with TWO BABIES!!! Anya is measuring 5 lbs 2 oz, and Bree is measuring 5 lbs 5 oz. Dr. Langer said they would do just fine if they were born now- that they could go home on time and everything.

The joy of motherhood

Valentine’s Day can come and go unnoticed, for all I care. I am so sick of being in pain, and tired, and huge and ugly. I try and be positive, but I suck at it.

Lookin' goooooood

Well, I think people will finally stop saying that I don’t look pregnant. I have definitely gotten bigger the last couple of weeks. My body is so messed up.