I am most definitely done having kids. I thought I might be when we had Kael, but I wasn't sure. I thought he needed a brother, and thought my body might be able to pull off making just one more person.
After a while I was quite convinced Kael would be getting a brother. I just had to convince the brother's father. He finally came around.
People would ask me, "What will you do if it isn't a boy?"
Can I just say, I've never been one of those people who "just knows" anything. My friend went to the temple and had a vision of her next kid. My cousin gets prompted to move to certain cities. My friend was prompted to marry her husband. When I pray, my answers are all pretty much, "whatever you do is fine, I think you'll survive either way, and I can do blessings anywhere."
So when people would ask me what I would do if it wasn't a boy, I was quite surprised at myself when I realized I "just knew" he was a boy. I would tell them "I will be very disappointed." Because that sounded less crazy than "It's a boy. I already know."
So he's here. And he's the last. And he's growing up fast. And I can't get enough of him.
He comes into my room to wake me in the mornings. For some reason I don't hear him in the mornings lately. (Fine, I know the reason. I stay up too late plotting spider murders.) But the girls do hear him, so they get him out of his crib and then he comes and gets me.
"Mooooom!" And he climbs up and snuggles under the covers with me just long enough for me to feel how cold his little feet are and then he starts playing with my face. He uses my nose and chin to open and close my mouth, and then says "Don't bite me!" when he closes my mouth on his finger. Then he usually pulls a few WWF moves on my abdomen until I give up and get out of bed.
All day long the girls and I are charmed by everything that comes out of this kid's mouth, and I truly have no idea if I'm just bewitched into thinking he's the most capricious kid I've ever encountered, or if he really is as funny as he seems.
Then I put him down for naps or bed, and pretend while I'm holding him that he isn't getting as heavy as he is. The other day my hormones were in full swing, and I just let it hit me. I let my tears fall the whole time I held him, looking around at my last nursery: The little blankets, little curtains, little baby books, the diaper changing pad he's almost outgrown, the crib that has held all 5 of my babies, and I don't think I can part with, even though it has technically been recalled...
He whines "My toooes," every time I hold him before he sleeps. And I have to pull his baby blanket off his shoulders so it will cover his poor naked toes. He's inherited my Can't-sleep-with-cold-toes gene. I keep wishing I could somehow figure out a way to videotape him saying that. Re-enactment never works with this kid-- too aware of the camera. I think half of my home videos are of me saying "Say what you just said a minute ago! Do that again! Aw, nuts."
When I got called to Primary last year, I had just heard that nursery was also in a major calling upheaval. I did the unthinkable, and asked if they would consider putting me in there instead. Declan had been having trouble going in, and I just plain wanted to be in there with him. I've been lucky enough to be able to hang around all my kids in nursery a few times. It is my absolute favorite thing, watching them interact with kids their age for the first time.
They really needed someone in CTR 4, though. So I went. A couple of times Declan wouldn't go to nursery, and I had to bring him to class. It worked out well, since one of my little students really needed someone to be in charge of, so as not to disrupt class herself. :D Then one week he just went in and didn't mind at all. It's been a little better ever since.
A couple of weeks ago they called Zach into nursery. Aw. I would have been jealous, but I was glad he got to be in there with his boy. He gets home a few minutes before the boys' bedtime, when he comes home at all, so this calling essentially doubles the time they see each other. It's really perfect. I selfishly asked if he would trade me one week, after I stood in the hallway by the nursery door window waiting for my class to get out of the bathroom, watching my baby navigating the snack table so much more easily than he did the last time I was in there.
Then I got a call from our Primary president asking if I wouldn't mind if they put me in nursery. I don't think I've ever been more excited about a calling, and I have had some really fun ones. I was so excited to be a choir director, and a music director, and a Young Women camp planner, and a ward missionary with Zach. But all of those were also mingled with large amounts of anxiety, and came with plenty of challenges. This one is just pure heaven. The first calling I've been really excited about since we moved here, now that I think of it. Perfect timing, perfect everything.
I get to hold onto my baby just a little longer. :)