Liberals are Wusses- by Ann Coulter

The results are in, we have our finished Blib. For those of you with no idea what I'm talking about, go here.

Liberals are Wusses
By Ann Coulter

Can liberals really be that easily offended? Are their beliefs so fragile, their emotions so unstable, their eyes so tall, that my offhand remarks threaten to destroy their entire belief system?

Maybe this is because liberals don’t have a solid belief system. They don’t believe in the Bible. And they don’t believe in the Book of Mormon. So instead they believe in whatever feels good, whether that is spending 15 zillion on a pedicure like wuss Obama did when he visited Catania, or blaming the country's current financial situation on Larry Craig.

They may have no idea about good and evil – how could a group that hates motherhood, thinks it’s a crime to place the Ten Commandments in Idaho, and defines marriage as a union between two spiders? – but they sure are good at telling people what you shouldn’t say. And what they don’t want said is anything that resembles truth. So they’re disgusted when I point out that the Nez Perce tribe practice of celebrating puss is endangering our children, or the fact that .9999999…% of Valdezians leave toilet paper rolls unreplaced within 100 days of coming to our country illegally by boat.

When I was on Hannity and Colmes, I mentioned to fellow guest Walter Matheau that, scientifically, men are 100 times more likely to accomplish an ultramarathon than women, who should stay at home and focus on gathering chips for wood. When Claudia La Rocco heard this, she bored herself writing infinity words about it, referring to me as a skinny, blond, beautimous sugar glider. The point here is that she called me skinny and blond.

So let the Democrats be offended by me. I consider their every objection a testament to my righteousness. After all, this is a party that chose Obama as their nominee – a person whose chief of staff is Bugsy Laroo, who spoke at rallies cosponsored by the KKK protesting church, in which members stabbed the star of David. So while my Godless, liberal detractors are in hell with the NAACP, Neanderthals, pharmicists,and John F Kennedy, I’ll be in heaven dying my hair and not eating. Because the one person I haven’t offended is God. And Ronald Regean.


Way to go, gals. I laughed more at your imaginative responses than the finished product.

I must give credit for the original framework to Joel Stein, LA Times, November 2, 2007.

Bella Angela Mia

She's feeling better! We had fun dressing up yesterday.

Now if I can just get Anya to wear it, I'll have one of all three! I might actually print something for once, ha.

3 Cheers for 5th Disease

***Welcome visitors! I've gotta tell ya- my FeedJit says that this is the most popular post I've ever written. I thought I'd add this little note to direct you to the comments people left- they are also very educational. And now- back to the blog...***

For once, I have an explanation for my body's creaks and groans of the day. Doesn't it seem like there's always something? If it's not a headache, you stub your toe, or run into the wall with your elbow, or your back aches, or Aunt Flo is overstaying her non-existent welcome. Most of the time you just don't say anything because what's the use. Pop an Ibuprofen or four and go on your pretend-merry way with the nagging voice of Sophia-Golden-Girl in the back of your mind telling you you're just going to get worse, so just be grateful the Ibuprofen is still able to close the gap between functional or non.

Still, you can't help but wonder- is this it? The one that's going to stick? The ache that once you start complaining about, you never stop? The one that can only be diagnosed as old age? (Yes, turning 30 messed with my head.)

This afternoon my finger joints were killing me, and all I could picture was the arthritic fingers of a lady in my old ward. I'm doomed. I was so freaked out by the fact that her fingers could go in a different direction than her hand, now I'm destined to the same fate for the express purpose of teaching me compassion and understanding for all things arthritis. I then promptly forgot all about it when I realized I really had to blow my nose, and started thinking of the cold we are all probably about to get.

Hours later, I was waiting for Mia to get in her pajamas, watching her scratch and thinking that maybe we should have had a bath today. She continued scratching until I realized she couldn't reach the itch in her middle back. "Right there?" "Umm- yeah, but on my arm, too." "Well, you need to take your shirt off anyway, so lets do that first, okay?" Surprise! Rash. Everywhere. Consult the handy-dandy med student in the next room. "She's got Fifth Disease."

Not quite ready to panic yet,"What"

"It's just a virus, also called "Slapped cheek disease," because on the face, the rash usually appears on just the cheeks and gives them the appearance of having been slapped." Zach had noticed her cheeks earlier, but I thought they were red from crying about time-out. So we rubbed her down with hydrocortisone while Zach told me that it is highly contagious, and adults can get it too, although if they don't present with the rash, it usually causes joint pain- mostly in the hands, and a runny nose.

Hey! I'm not as decrepit as I thought. And Mia really did seem whinier than usual. Nothing like a nice diagnosis of Fifth disease to make your day.

Blibbing

Someone decided that MadLibs + blog = Blibs. So today, in honor of one of my many inexpensive favorite things, we are Blibbing.

I'll need many creative self-proclaimed and unashamed word-nerds to participate. I'm thinking your kind will be easy to find in Blogland.

Answer in order, (please just answer a few! When you get to the comment page, you'll see which one is up next.) I'll number the blanks to make it easier- just write the number you are doing in your comment to make it a smidgin' easier on the next person, in case, like me, their affinity for vocabulary has weakened their ability to count. As you can see- there are more blanks than regular readers, so feel free to fill in a few, either consecutively, or just drop by a few times. Catcha later!

1)body part, plural
2)adjective
3)book
4)large sum of money
5)beauty regimen
6)lack of manliness
7)male democrat
8)European city
9)Republican now out of office
10)Generous/selfless act
11)place
12)noun, plural
13)Indian tribe
14)something gross
15)percentage
16)immigrant group
17)horrendous crime
18)number
19)mode of transportation
20)obscure cable news show
21)grumpy old white man
22)any number
23)an incredible feat
24)obsolete chore
25)New York Times columnist
26)large number
27)adjective
28)animal
29)recent democratic presidential candidate
30)made-up name
31)radical liberal group
32)beloved institution
33)violent action
34)beloved symbol
35)non-Christian group
36)ethnic group
37)occupation, plural
38)deceased Democrat
39)a famous conservative

The Debut

Although one performer had just wet through her pajamas and had to go on in just her diaper, the trio remained professional, and the show went on. (Note to director and costume crew: White Clouds diapers should have been named Storm Clouds. They fill up with water and then let it rain right out again. Next show- Huggies.)

Ever wish...

For all of us wishing legwarmers were still in...

Zach and I stood huddled over his Ipod laughing our heads off. I just want to know where they found the guy to sing this version- he sounds just like the original!

Pay It Forward

I'm participating in a Pay It Forward Exchange. Who wants to play? Still two spots!

I will send a handmade gift to the first three people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this Pay It Forward Exchange. I was one of the first three on Breezi's blog and look what she made!! It's a candy bouquet! She's actually going to start creating these and selling them online! I am in drooling awe. It's even scented!!

You will receive your gift (not this bouquet, unfortunately- something probably not nearly as coordinated as a matter of fact...)within a month from leaving your comment. The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog. I can't guarantee it will be anything amazing, but who cares if it is FREE!

Remember, you have to have a blog to participate and must Pay it Forward on your site as well.

Who's ready to play? Please leave your e-mail in a comment if I don't already have it.

Lit-tle girls lit-tle girls, everywhere I look I can see them...

Mia sat down next to Zach during lunch, "I'll sit by you, Daddy, because boys need a girl to be by them."

"Hey, Mim- will you help me wipe the kitchen table?"
"Suhtenwee." (Her three-year-old attempt at "certainly")

"Will you help me clean the living room?"
"Asowootely not."

Playing with my hair: "Mom- can I look for your bwain?" Shoves her face into my hair. "I don't see it."

Anya? She just wants to be held. Especially when I say, "Time to go night-night!" Doesn't mind going to bed, as long as she doesn't have to climb the stairs to get there. All 34 pounds of her. Getting too old for this... (I'll let you decide who I mean by that.)

Do you guys want a banana? Bree lights up, "Naaanaaa! NANA! Naaaaannnnnaaaahhhh" practically drooling as she bounces up and down. I peel it and hand it to her. A teeny whiny high-pitched "Nao!" She shakes her head at me, drops it on the floor and walks away.

Christmas Angels

Here's why I didn't get both "angels":
HAha! One was pretty ticked looking and holding a remote...



Anya sang the Primary "Hello Song" for our family party at the Organ Loft in Salt Lake. She hammed it up, and seemed to know what the microphone was for.

Back to normal

We've finally got time to breathe. Zach took his last test of the year, and then every minute was occupied with Christmas and travel preparations. We started by spending some much needed time to ourselves as a family.

There was a Santa Claus at Creekside, where Mia declared again that what she wanted for Christmas was a camera. We thought she was just spouting random words, like when she said she wanted to be a tiger, a monkey, and a cat for Halloween. But this was the fourth time she answered the same way- so after a quick look at the "list" we figured we'd take her seriously and got her a little Barbie digital camera. I was surprised how little it cost, so we didn't feel too guilty adding to the inevitable haul her grandparents were already planning. This was the first time Mia has actually wanted something (other than candy) and the first time we've shopped to "fill an order." It was fun getting it for her- I can see why so many parents like Christmas lists. We're thinking that in coming years, we will try to each give just one special present to each other, so that the gesture of giving resembles more closely the gift it actually sybolizes. But who knows. We're not sure if, as parents, Christmas is what we make of it, or if the world of retail is something we should just accept as an integral part of a "merry" holiday. I can see how prolonging gratification is a great thing to teach kids- and how waiting for gifts could be tied to waiting for Christ's birth... We'll see what happens.

We went straight to COSI after, and realized for the first time that the kids could meet Elmo at the Sesame Street Body exhibit. It wasn't very busy, and they were actually asking people to come see him. So we were the only ones in the room. Without the example of other kids, the girls were a little cautious at first. But after a while, they really warmed up to the big googley-eyed red furry monster. We went to play, but Bree kept trying to go back into the room, so when it was empty again, I let her run back in and snuggle up to Elmo. It was pretty hard to peel her away.

Our flight to Utah was fine. The twins slept okay, and were only cranky for the last 20 minutes. We ran into some pretty awesome turbulence, and later whenever anyone asked Mia how the plane ride was, she said "Bumpy!" She was trying not to be scared, but I could tell she was looking at me like I was nuts for enjoying the sudden drop that lifted us out of our seats.

Christmas is more fun now that there are more kids. Mia loved her camera,
and the twins loved their presents, too- especially while they were still wrapped.