Babe-O-Lympics

The Opening Ceremonies for these particular events were held in a much smaller venue- a hospital in Utah- and weren't televised. The two-part series was, however, videotaped over a hiatus of nineteen months. There were no digitally enhanced fireworks, but a few photos did go through a Photoshop blemish/frizzy-post-partum-hair treatment.

The most popular event at our house is "Wipe-Out." Game objective: see how many baby wipes you can pull out before Mom notices. Factor in proximity to mom during wipe pulling. After rigorous weekly training, the winner of the gold was actually leaning against Mom as she snatched enough wipes to build a pile as tall as herself.

Another well-known event is "Diaper-Distraction." Game description: A team event requiring at least two players. One must have a poopy diaper. Game objective: Player with poopy diaper (Player 1) must try to get poop on their hands by using one of three methods: reach between legs and grab front, reach around legs and grab bum, reach diaper and grab poop. Player 2's goal is to help Player 1 complete their mission by using blocking and distracting tactics. The most talented teammates will crawl onto and sit on Mom's lap during the diaper change while simultaneously grabbing the poopy diaper. Another popular tactic for Player 2 is to play "Wipe-Out" during "Diaper-Distraction."

"Divide and Conquer," although dangerous, is an event loved by generations. Game description: Team event in which members try to be born as close to their team-mates as possible for ultimate effectiveness. Game objective: Get as far from each other as possible as fast as possible. Wide open areas are the preferred arena, such as the library, park, doctor's office, and freeway.

"Collision" is the most rugged of events- not for the faint of heart. Game description: the same as "Divide and Conquer." Game objective: Acquire whatever object anyone else is interested in. Although the most effective method is using actual object to whap opponent; pushing, hair pulling, screaming, crying, and whining are also popular methods of choice.

Finally, the crowning event at the 2008 Games: "Misplacement" although a misnomer, which origins are thought to have been derived from 18th century Olympians who didn't know the phrase "pig-sty," is a game closest in description to the passing of the Olympic flame. In the same spirit of eternal flame, "Misplacement" is the goal of Baby Olympians to preserve the eternal mess.

Closing ceremonies will hopefully not be televised, because unlike the grown-up Olympics, televised retiring Babe-O-Lympians are usually talking about their experiences on Maury Povich or a couch next to a psychiatrist.